I have an illness. It controls a good part of my life. To be more accurate, the large and good part of my life.
It's known as the invisible illness. You look fine on the outside but on the inside, well, that's a different story.
It's not like your common cancers or organ failures. This disease doesn't have a cure (or some sort of hope for a cure), no this is, "it will go away one day, but it can always come back" kind of illness. It's the waiting game illness.
The length of time; however, is unknown.
It's a bitch. It destroys everything. No matter how hard you try to make it work for you, it will destroy everything.
The worst of it all started over 2 years ago.
I was sick. I didn't know how sick and nobody I consulted did either. It was a dark and mysterious thing. It didn't make sense. I shouldn't have been so sick, still!
Being sick makes you extremely vulnerable. What's even worse is not knowing what you have. It's like standing naked in the middle of the town's square screaming! Everyone can see that you're not well, but they can't help. So they stare at you and feel sorry for you.
Pity. The worst. Who wants to be pitied! NOBODY! As far as I'm concerned I can do everything myself.
I'm proud and damned proud of it too!
If I wasn't proud, I wouldn't have anything that I have today. I have made my life! I'm not going to let pity take it from me!
But I couldn't make myself better. And that frustrated the crap out of me.
I would stand in front of the mirror every morning and tell myself that I was worthless and useless and that there was no point for me to be here.
I suppose that's what happens when you're proud. If you can't do it yourself, then you have no self value.
But that wasn't only my pride speaking, that was also my illness, the little bitch that it is.
It took all my self worth and left me exposed for the world to see.
I remember I could do everything and then some. I went a million miles an hour. I would soar high in the sky on my own.
Those days were short lived.
It didn't hit me over night, oh no, it took 8 years to sink it's claws into me.
And the timing was all too sweet.
I fell for a year. Clingy onto hope, naturopathy, and most of all a man who I thought loved me.
Finally after a year of nothing. I hit the bottom. It hurt. I didn't think I could get back up.
But of course, being a proud woman, I stood up and continued on, even if I was bleeding profusely.
For 6 months, I stumbled my way through. I took time off work, I changed my wardrobe, my hair, my social life... I changed everything that I had the power to change.
I was clingy onto hope, a hope that maybe my illness is mental and if I change my lifestyle everything will go back to normal.
Ha! What a joke that was!
I fell straight back down.
Onto the meds I went. The ones I tried so hard to avoid.
My pride had to take a backseat. Boy, was that hard.
Still I did this on my own and I am damn proud of myself. How many people can say that they have gotten back up after life threw them to the ground?
I'm still not better to this day and it's been over a year since I hit that rocky bottom.
I get frustrated that I'm not even close to being better.
Sure, my closet looks fantastic, as does my hair. And finally, I can have a drink or two (!!!) without getting sick.
I've learned to slow down, enjoy the little things, like the sun shining down on me, the gentle sounds of the breeze passing over me, the beauty of a simple flower, or the beauty of imagination as I fall deeply into the texts I read while the sun beams down on me and the simple breeze cools my skin.
These are all the things I live for now.
The only thing I need to learn now is how to appreciate the small victories. It's the smallest of things that makes the biggest difference.
I'm sure you're all wondering about my invisible disease. It's called Myalgic Encephalomyelitis (ME)/Chronic Fatigue Syndrome (CFS).
Every day is a battle. Some are easier than others, but for the most part it's hard work. I have to be on the ball at all times, which is a bit of joke considering that I can't be on the ball all the time. So there are days where my world falls apart and then when a good day comes around I'm picking up the fallen pieces of the previous bad days.
I have to keep telling myself that this isn't forever and that one day it will go away. On a good day that is easy to hear. On a bad day; however, that isn't so easy to hear.
I've lived like this for a long time now and it has definitely taken a toll on how I see the world. I get frustrated easily and I hate bullshit.
Some days I deal with it quite well, I just either leave or sit their quietly and give you nothing.
Other days, are not so good. Your head may be ripped off and I may be stomping on it for quite some time.
The one thing I have definitely learned over this time is that we don't need to complicate things. Keep it simple.
You'll enjoy life a lot more if you do.
One more thing, never rely on anyone to make you happy. That is the biggest bullshit lie we are fed our whole entire lives. When we need people to make us happy the most, it's usually the time that they're making us miserable.
Only you can make yourself happy.
Grab a book, sit in the sun, and let your mind take you to the little magic land of real happiness.
For more information of ME/CFS, please follow this link. ME/CFS is a real disease, it's not something we create in our minds.
