Negative

I haven't been the most positive person lately, probably because I'm dealing with a chest infection that feels more like death than glitter and rainbows. 

The think positive lifestyle thing is really getting on my nerves.  Don't get me wrong positivity is a good thing, but too many people don't use it the way it was intended.  

It's not to be used as a weapon.  Don't tell someone that their life sucks because they're not positive.  That's not a very positive thing to say.  Especially to a perfectionist. 

I have spent a good part of my life trying to be perfect.  Finding the perfect balance between living and living life to the fullest.  I am currently failing at it.  

I am so much of a perfectionist that my partially renovated apartment has finally gotten the better of me and I'm searching for boxes to pack up all my stuff so I can't look at it any more. I'm sick of it all.  I'm an all or nothing person.  

This is why simple words can have such a massive impact on me.  

Yes, I'm negative.  But everything in my life that has happened to be hasn't been because of me. It's always been someone else's mistake, decision, choice etc.  I have never made the decision that has impacted my life this way. And that's what makes me so negative.

I used to say, I wish I had been a massive drug addict so then I can feel this guilt that I feel for a reason.  But I wasn't.  I was young and I got sick.  And that's it.  My life thus far is because I got sick when I was a teenager. 

Please don't tell me to be positive right now.  I can't bear it.  I'm tired.  I'm exhausted.  And I'm dealing with three diseases right now. And only one can be treated with medication.  

The Layers

We've all been this person.  Can never figure out whether we're coming or going. Left or right. Up or down. 

For me, it's almost a daily occurrence.  Having the invisible illness (ME/CFS) it's like a Russian roulette of pain or gain every day I wake. 

There are so many layers to a person, to their lives, to their souls that it is so hard to express their inner selves in an image.  I'm experimenting with layering.  An image within an image within an image.  Inception perhaps.  Haha.  

I used 3 images to make this image a reality.  My reality.  A self portrait of me.  Of my soul.  My complexities.  It is hard to see the real me. But that's what makes me beautiful.  The layers. 

When Life Gives You Lemons

You make lemonade right? Or tequila shots, which ever is your preferred preference.  For me I find my dark corner and I hide in it.  I'm just not good with confrontation.  I never have been.

Today's image is just something short and sweet... nothing complicated.  I was second photographer on a shoot and I just brought my Panasonic GF1 with me for quick snaps. 

I do love using this camera as in low light you get this grainy dirty look.  It's raw and can't be perfected... Well my skills can't seem to perfect it.  So instead, I work with it. 

And because I'm feeling like life hates me... This image is dark and moody... It still has some warmth, as I know my feeling of hopelessness won't last. 

It's Time For A Change

As people, we are constantly changing.  We throw out the old and bring in the new and shiny.  Well I'm doing that with this blog.  It worked well for me, but it no longer meets my needs.  I have new ones... shinier ones. 

Over the past few years I have been making some dramatic changes to my life.  Some have been promising and fulfilling, while others have been put in the dark corner to never be looked at again. 

One of my biggest regrets in life is not pursuing my dream of photography.  Sure I studied part-time for 2 years, but my life wasn't ready for it. 
Unfortunately it's not an option for me to go back and study again.  So I have to find another way to be able to help this dream grow and become a reality. 

I have massive confidence issues with my art.  I am never good enough. EVER!  I am always putting myself down and comparing myself to photographers/artist who have been doing this for 30 or so years.  And I need to stop that.  It's not good. 

I need a place where I can publish my so called crappy art... A place for this crappy art to grow and flourish and become a beautiful masterpiece (my ultimate dream) for all the world to be in awe of.  

But I can't get there if I don't do anything. 

From this day forward, this blog space will be my inspiration board.  A place for me to post something new and to learn from the mistakes and to make this dream a reality.  I thought starting a Facebook page was going to get me motivated.  It's only made me more neurotic about it.  I need a safe place... A place for me, for me and my art to grow.  Slowly.  

It's not going to be fancy at first... but it will be mine. 

I hope that one day my images will make people happy and inspire them too.  Until then, let's make really bad art. 

My man, Papi, on his 2nd Birthday