Negative

I haven't been the most positive person lately, probably because I'm dealing with a chest infection that feels more like death than glitter and rainbows. 

The think positive lifestyle thing is really getting on my nerves.  Don't get me wrong positivity is a good thing, but too many people don't use it the way it was intended.  

It's not to be used as a weapon.  Don't tell someone that their life sucks because they're not positive.  That's not a very positive thing to say.  Especially to a perfectionist. 

I have spent a good part of my life trying to be perfect.  Finding the perfect balance between living and living life to the fullest.  I am currently failing at it.  

I am so much of a perfectionist that my partially renovated apartment has finally gotten the better of me and I'm searching for boxes to pack up all my stuff so I can't look at it any more. I'm sick of it all.  I'm an all or nothing person.  

This is why simple words can have such a massive impact on me.  

Yes, I'm negative.  But everything in my life that has happened to be hasn't been because of me. It's always been someone else's mistake, decision, choice etc.  I have never made the decision that has impacted my life this way. And that's what makes me so negative.

I used to say, I wish I had been a massive drug addict so then I can feel this guilt that I feel for a reason.  But I wasn't.  I was young and I got sick.  And that's it.  My life thus far is because I got sick when I was a teenager. 

Please don't tell me to be positive right now.  I can't bear it.  I'm tired.  I'm exhausted.  And I'm dealing with three diseases right now. And only one can be treated with medication.