Gurrrl

When I was 18, I assumed that I had my whole life ahead of me. That the dreams and hopes and aspirations and success would come to me in time. But more so, that I would know what it is that I'm good at - even mediocre at.

Something that would pave my life on the right direction towards those dreams/hopes/aspirations/success. 

Little did I realise - actually lets face it, I never acknowledged hat I had been told a billion times by my elders. That life was gonna kick me hard and all those dreams/hopes/aspirations would just stay that way, a figment of my imagination. 

I wanted to prove them wrong. What did they know! I was in a different generation. The world had changed. It's not the same and goals can be achieved. 

Oh dear! How I was so wrong. And now I'm that elder I've taken on that duty of crushing the leaders of tomorrow's dreams. 

Reality is brutal. An absolutely unforgiving bitch that will slap for years on end. Ans without fail, you'll wake up everyday to a big old bitch slap. 

I used to watch my elders turn 30 and notice the look of despair in their eyes as they exclaimed '30s are the new 20s'.  They knew it was bullshit as much as I did. 

There's a certain kind of sadness that comes with that milestone. It's hard to describe but it's like glimpse into your death. 

The body changes, you notice puffy eyes, lines and rolls, and fat and jiggles you'd never felt or seen before. You notice that running up a flight of stairs can really feel like your death is right there in front of you. 

Recently, a friend and I discussed what we would tell our 18 year old selves. Our answers were simple, no fluff no bullshit. For him, sit up straight. For me, stretch every day. 

How is that the most important advice to give to the youth of today. Well, when your back seizes from getting out of the car or bending slightly to pick something up and you're hoveling around the house like a 90 year old, you realise your body is the most important possession you'll ever own. 

But then again, what would old people know! 

At the ripe old age of 30 and 4 months, I feel that life did slap me- and hard too. For a very long time. And I guess with my imminent death - in 40-50 years time - looming in the foreground I feel like I need to make those years count more so than these last 30 years. 

What does my future hold for me? Back to university? New job? A house? 

I've always said this and I always will, I don't care where I am or who I am or what I did, as long as I'm happy. I want that peace. Unfortunately to get that peace, I have to find a job that doesn't make me want to blow my brains out every day. When I find that job... I'm on the road to a long and successful golden years. 

In the meantime, this is dedicated to all my friends out there who are in their 30s (or fast approaching) who still and probably will never know what they want to be when they grow up. There is a little bit hope though, you see, we are not just our careers or marital status, but we are so much more.  And there is one tiny little thing out there that will make life so sweet for you. You know what it is.  It follows us everywhere, every day, and will never leave.

For me, it's to be able to have a simple life. Potter in my garden, fall asleep in the sun, read a book, snuggle with Papi. I don't need a fancy life. Just a simple one. I loathe people who complicate my life so that those little things pass me by.

Hold onto those little things. They are what makes life ever so sweet.




Illustration by Jessica (me) - copyright