Seoul-ful

I read an incredible quote the other day “Stay away from negative people.  They have a problem for every solution.”

I would like to say it struck a chord, but it didn’t.  I’ve known this for a very long time.  These people will never change.  And for some reason I attract them.  And worst of all, I let them bring me down.

In my new found profoundness I am doing all I can do to eliminate these negative people and their negative energy.  I am going to change my life.  I’m not going to get stuck (like I have been), I’m going places and these people can stay in their sad bubble not changing even though the solution is right there in front of them.

I want to move to South Korea.  I’m putting it out there in the universe to bubble away and grow into my future.   It’s what I want!  And I’m going to get what I want!!!

I’m meeting new people (Koreans) and I’m loving it.  I go out for dinner (which I don’t think I’ve ever done) and when I take photos with them… they’re beautiful.  Just meeting these people (even if it’s only for a brief moment) is igniting that ability to dream, aspire, and create for a better future.  My better future.

But most of all, I’m starting to believe in myself more.

One day, this blog is going to be about me experiencing a new way of life in South Korea. And I can't wait for that day! That is the ultimate dream. 

Cats & Vintage Art

I've recently joined a rescue organisation as a foster parent.  This is my foster baby, King Louis.  He is all kinds of deliciousness and I'm so happy to have him in my life.  Not going to lie, but they day he leaves, I'll cry (like a sobbing mess). 

There are far too many animals in this world that need a safe and loving home.  Please remember before you buy that there are already animals in need that are more than will to give you the love you are looking for. 
Not all are adult cats.  Plenty of kittens as well. Louis is barely a year old. And there are hundreds of kittens that are looking for their forever homes. 

PLEASE #adoptdontshop

To Birthday Or Not

I'm not one to celebrate my own birthday, but my cat's... well... sort of.  I took these photos around his made up birthday (I don't actually know the date, as I adopted him)... and almost a month later I'm posting them on the inter webs. 

I'm a bit of a kill joy when it comes to this stuff.  But nonetheless here's my Mr. handsome-pants on his 3rd birthday.  So Proud ^.^

Live Music Photography

The most common shoots I get to do are live gigs... Bands always want pics for their Facebook pages or websites (which is awesome, promotion is the key to success)... Problem is... I get so bloody nervous to shoot them. 

I don't yet have the skills to let my fingers do the clicking and my eyes to do the thinking/scanning of potentially awesome moments. 

Unfortunately I still spend far too much time fiddling around with the settings trying to allow for low lighting, movement and redness (any live photographer will know what I mean about redness... that damn red lighting. Cool in real life, but the camera hates it!)that I forget to feel the moment and what's important to it... 

Or then there's the opposite spectrum where I am feeling that moment and I am setting up some amazing images, but only to find out later that my camera was on the wrong setting.

I know, that with experience comes that auto-pilot functionality.  But I'm a long way way away from that.  
So at them moment the nerves are in control.

M.I.A

I've been M.I.A lately (not to be confused with the artist M.I.A... I wish I was her, she's a total babe). The evil and cold winter got me and held me captive for awhile.  

While I was being held against my will,  I used the only source of entertainment I could find to help keep me and my photography alive... My iPhone.  So, I created and instagram for Papi.  He's quite the handsome devil and as much as he looks like he detests the camera, he actually loves it!

I've been exploring editing apps and sticker apps and apps upon apps, upon apps to find the best editing tools.  

The only conclusion I have is that it comes down to using as many apps for the one image until you get the result you want.

At the moment, I'm loving VSCO Cam, Afterlight, Snapseed, Line Camera, and Girls Camera. 

With iPhoneography, you don't have some whiz bang lens and fancy pants camera to do the work for you.  If you're not patient and think about your images, you get an extremely boring, blurry and subpar images. 

It's a steep learning curve.  Being patient isn't my virtue, especially when I'm out photographing... let alone photographing my cat that could care less that the light that's illuminating his furry face is perfect for whatever image I'm trying to recreate.  He just keeps moving and I've gotta move with him. 

Papi may not know the skills I'm acquiring or even care about the images, but I do.  I'm learning, growing and that's all I can do.

Follow Papi on Instagram @papi_el_gato

Negative

I haven't been the most positive person lately, probably because I'm dealing with a chest infection that feels more like death than glitter and rainbows. 

The think positive lifestyle thing is really getting on my nerves.  Don't get me wrong positivity is a good thing, but too many people don't use it the way it was intended.  

It's not to be used as a weapon.  Don't tell someone that their life sucks because they're not positive.  That's not a very positive thing to say.  Especially to a perfectionist. 

I have spent a good part of my life trying to be perfect.  Finding the perfect balance between living and living life to the fullest.  I am currently failing at it.  

I am so much of a perfectionist that my partially renovated apartment has finally gotten the better of me and I'm searching for boxes to pack up all my stuff so I can't look at it any more. I'm sick of it all.  I'm an all or nothing person.  

This is why simple words can have such a massive impact on me.  

Yes, I'm negative.  But everything in my life that has happened to be hasn't been because of me. It's always been someone else's mistake, decision, choice etc.  I have never made the decision that has impacted my life this way. And that's what makes me so negative.

I used to say, I wish I had been a massive drug addict so then I can feel this guilt that I feel for a reason.  But I wasn't.  I was young and I got sick.  And that's it.  My life thus far is because I got sick when I was a teenager. 

Please don't tell me to be positive right now.  I can't bear it.  I'm tired.  I'm exhausted.  And I'm dealing with three diseases right now. And only one can be treated with medication.  

The Layers

We've all been this person.  Can never figure out whether we're coming or going. Left or right. Up or down. 

For me, it's almost a daily occurrence.  Having the invisible illness (ME/CFS) it's like a Russian roulette of pain or gain every day I wake. 

There are so many layers to a person, to their lives, to their souls that it is so hard to express their inner selves in an image.  I'm experimenting with layering.  An image within an image within an image.  Inception perhaps.  Haha.  

I used 3 images to make this image a reality.  My reality.  A self portrait of me.  Of my soul.  My complexities.  It is hard to see the real me. But that's what makes me beautiful.  The layers. 

When Life Gives You Lemons

You make lemonade right? Or tequila shots, which ever is your preferred preference.  For me I find my dark corner and I hide in it.  I'm just not good with confrontation.  I never have been.

Today's image is just something short and sweet... nothing complicated.  I was second photographer on a shoot and I just brought my Panasonic GF1 with me for quick snaps. 

I do love using this camera as in low light you get this grainy dirty look.  It's raw and can't be perfected... Well my skills can't seem to perfect it.  So instead, I work with it. 

And because I'm feeling like life hates me... This image is dark and moody... It still has some warmth, as I know my feeling of hopelessness won't last. 

It's Time For A Change

As people, we are constantly changing.  We throw out the old and bring in the new and shiny.  Well I'm doing that with this blog.  It worked well for me, but it no longer meets my needs.  I have new ones... shinier ones. 

Over the past few years I have been making some dramatic changes to my life.  Some have been promising and fulfilling, while others have been put in the dark corner to never be looked at again. 

One of my biggest regrets in life is not pursuing my dream of photography.  Sure I studied part-time for 2 years, but my life wasn't ready for it. 
Unfortunately it's not an option for me to go back and study again.  So I have to find another way to be able to help this dream grow and become a reality. 

I have massive confidence issues with my art.  I am never good enough. EVER!  I am always putting myself down and comparing myself to photographers/artist who have been doing this for 30 or so years.  And I need to stop that.  It's not good. 

I need a place where I can publish my so called crappy art... A place for this crappy art to grow and flourish and become a beautiful masterpiece (my ultimate dream) for all the world to be in awe of.  

But I can't get there if I don't do anything. 

From this day forward, this blog space will be my inspiration board.  A place for me to post something new and to learn from the mistakes and to make this dream a reality.  I thought starting a Facebook page was going to get me motivated.  It's only made me more neurotic about it.  I need a safe place... A place for me, for me and my art to grow.  Slowly.  

It's not going to be fancy at first... but it will be mine. 

I hope that one day my images will make people happy and inspire them too.  Until then, let's make really bad art. 

My man, Papi, on his 2nd Birthday 

Who I Am

Yesterday was the day that my life changed forever... I became who I always said I was going to be.  But up until now, I didn't really believe it would happen.  I always had this doubt lingering over my head that it would be so very different. But here I am, today, the woman that I am meant to be.

This isn't some over night change, some New Years resolution. This is much greater than that. It's far greater than me. The universe has the controls and it is driving me towards my destiny. It's what the universe has planned for me. I cannot fight it. It has been priming me for this exact day. This day of one's true identity.  My true purpose.

I am... Who I am... Today.

I had an image of myself where the neighbor kids stood at my fence telling tales of a jilted heart of the woman in the haunted house.  They would stare wide eyed in fear, the wind would gently carry the sounds of rustling leaves, the gate banging against the fence, peculiar cat murmurs.  And yet, one brave soul picks up a stone and tosses it at one of the sleeping cats sprawled out in that warm afternoon sun. It shrieks, hisses and in a low meow, growls in disgust... The door creaks... Their eyes widen, but they do not move, as if their last breath was about to be made.  I creep from the door incomprehensibly shrieking, shaking my finger as I push past a clowder of cats. Determined, I make heed towards those wicked neighbor kids.  The kids scream in absolute terror running in every direction away from my cat infested house.  Satisfied with my triumph, I weave my way back to the porch.  A cat in hand, I turn my old haggard face to the setting sun and squint.  The majestic creatures I protect surround me.  And all thats left is this, a frightening portrait of myself with my many cats.

Yes, that is me.  In... Well... Maybe the not so distance future. 

I am the cat lady. The lady who wondered how she ever lived without this perfect being who stands proud in front of her. This being that meows for her undivided attention.  This being is her perfection.

The Invisible Illness

I have an illness.  It controls a good part of my life.  To be more accurate, the large and good part of my life.

It's known as the invisible illness.  You look fine on the outside but on the inside, well, that's a different story.

It's not like your common cancers or organ failures.  This disease doesn't have a cure (or some sort of hope for a cure), no this is, "it will go away one day, but it can always come back" kind of illness.  It's the waiting game illness.  

The length of time; however, is unknown.

It's a bitch.  It destroys everything.  No matter how hard you try to make it work for you, it will destroy everything.

The worst of it all started over 2 years ago.

I was sick.  I didn't know how sick and nobody I consulted did either.  It was a dark and mysterious thing.  It didn't make sense.  I shouldn't have been so sick, still!

Being sick makes you extremely vulnerable.  What's even worse is not knowing what you have.  It's like standing naked in the middle of the town's square screaming!  Everyone can see that you're not well, but they can't help.  So they stare at you and feel sorry for you.

Pity.  The worst.  Who wants to be pitied!  NOBODY!  As far as I'm concerned I can do everything myself.  

I'm proud and damned proud of it too!

If I wasn't proud, I wouldn't have anything that I have today.  I have made my life!  I'm not going to let pity take it from me!

But I couldn't make myself better.  And that frustrated the crap out of me.  

I would stand in front of the mirror every morning and tell myself that I was worthless and useless and that there was no point for me to be here.

I suppose that's what happens when you're proud.  If you can't do it yourself, then you have no self value.

But that wasn't only my pride speaking, that was also my illness, the little bitch that it is.

It took all my self worth and left me exposed for the world to see. 

I remember I could do everything and then some.  I went a million miles an hour.  I would soar high in the sky on my own. 

Those days were short lived.  

It didn't hit me over night, oh no, it took 8 years to sink it's claws into me.  

And the timing was all too sweet.  

I fell for a year.  Clingy onto hope, naturopathy, and most of all a man who I thought loved me. 

Finally after a year of nothing.  I hit the bottom.  It hurt.  I didn't think I could get back up.

But of course, being a proud woman, I stood up and continued on, even if I was bleeding profusely. 

For 6 months, I stumbled my way through.  I took time off work, I changed my wardrobe, my hair, my social life... I changed everything that I had the power to change.  

I was clingy onto hope, a hope that maybe my illness is mental and if I change my lifestyle everything will go back to normal.

Ha! What a joke that was!

I fell straight back down.

Onto the meds I went.  The ones I tried so hard to avoid.

My pride had to take a backseat.  Boy, was that hard.  

Still I did this on my own and I am damn proud of myself.  How many people can say that they have gotten back up after life threw them to the ground?

I'm still not better to this day and it's been over a year since I hit that rocky bottom.  

I get frustrated that I'm not even close to being better.

Sure, my closet looks fantastic, as does my hair.  And finally, I can have a drink or two (!!!) without getting sick.  

I've learned to slow down, enjoy the little things, like the sun shining down on me, the gentle sounds of the breeze passing over me, the beauty of a simple flower, or the beauty of imagination as I fall deeply into the texts I read while the sun beams down on me and the simple breeze cools my skin.

These are all the things I live for now.  

The only thing I need to learn now is how to appreciate the small victories.  It's the smallest of things that makes the biggest difference.  

I'm sure you're all wondering about my invisible disease.  It's called Myalgic Encephalomyelitis (ME)/Chronic Fatigue Syndrome (CFS). 

Every day is a battle.  Some are easier than others, but for the most part it's hard work.  I have to be on the ball at all times, which is a bit of joke considering that I can't be on the ball all the time.  So there are days where my world falls apart and then when a good day comes around I'm picking up the fallen pieces of the previous bad days.

I have to keep telling myself that this isn't forever and that one day it will go away.  On a good day that is easy to hear.  On a bad day; however, that isn't so easy to hear.

I've lived like this for a long time now and it has definitely taken a toll on how I see the world.  I get frustrated easily and I hate bullshit.  

Some days I deal with it quite well, I just either leave or sit their quietly and give you nothing.

Other days, are not so good.  Your head may be ripped off and I may be stomping on it for quite some time. 

The one thing I have definitely learned over this time is that we don't need to complicate things.  Keep it simple.

You'll enjoy life a lot more if you do.

One more thing, never rely on anyone to make you happy.  That is the biggest bullshit lie we are fed our whole entire lives.  When we need people to make us happy the most, it's usually the time that they're making us miserable.

Only you can make yourself happy.

Grab a book, sit in the sun, and let your mind take you to the little magic land of real happiness.

For more information of ME/CFS, please follow this link.  ME/CFS is a real disease, it's not something we create in our minds.

http://www.mecfs.org.au/

Agist

Sure it's not PC to be an agist, but let's face it, some people are just old.  Some look it and some just act it.

Fact:  You don't have to be old to act old.

How will one know if they are old or not?  And if they are in the potential firing range of politically incorrect agists?

Well, it's simple you see.  There's a list (gosh, lists are fun)... The list must consist of your ten most fun things to do.  

Easy peasey, you say.

Once you've completed the list, read it back to yourself (involve other people as well for an outsiders view as you might be a little too biased about yourself), then tick off the activities that don't involve, bubbles, water pistols, slip n slides, dancing like a complete idiot, laughing at people's fumbles, giggling when you hear sexually orientated words that can also be used in every day sentences to describe everyday activities, board games that involve bright colors and candy, dressing up in costumes cause you can, balloons, giggling for no reason, liking cartoons more than real life, wishing your teddy bear was really Super Ted, etc. etc.

So, does any of the activities you find SO exciting actually involve things that a 5 year old would be estatic about?

If your answer is no, then I must warn you that you are old and the discrimination will never end until you let go and actually enjoy the little things.

I say, let go of the adult fun, every so often, and just have fun.  It's ok to giggle and enjoy your life.  It happens to the best of us!

Those Who Dream Can Change The World

I always resent myself for not having the drive to listen to brilliant people while they are still roaming this earth.  In this past day, I have had the pleasure to be inspired and reassured that my beliefs are like those who have lived great lives.

There are so many wonderful tributes out there to Steve Jobs.  He was truly an amazing man who had a vision and was gentle, yet strong enough to nurture it to life.

Today I was privileged enough to have viewed a speech he presented six years ago to a group of college graduates.  This speech revealed the real man that allowed his visions to come to life.  He shared those pivotal secrets on how to apply it to your life.

It is humbling to know that a man of great wealth and creativity was unwanted before he was born.  It was even more heart warming to know that he was even rejected at birth, by the most perfect family on paper, for not being the right gender.  What was even more amazing was that his adoptive parents came from humble beginnings and didn't have much to offer other than love. And most of all didn't care who he was or where he came from or what gender he was, only that he was theirs.  He knew that he was loved and wanted from the very beginning.

How did this man become so amazing?  A college drop out with no real plan for life, just a vision that it would all work out in the end.  A man who has walked in the footsteps that I started to walk eight years ago, but somehow he's more successful than I am.

It's very simple really.

He read a quote, a quote that many of us have heard a thousand times over and over, but it had a certain twist that made it more substantial and real than the rest.  

It went something like this, "if you live each day as if it was your last, someday you most certainly be right."

Each day he would ask himself this very simple question "if today were the last day of my life, would I want to do what I'm about to do today?"

A great question it is.  But how did he apply it to life?  Well, he answered it honestly.  

"And whenever the answer has been 'No' for too many days in a row, I know I need to change something."

Change.  That is the one thing that we all fear so much. 

It's like if we change, we'll die. But what harm can it do?  

"Remembering that I'll be dead soon is the most important tool I've ever encountered to help me make the big choices in life.  Because almost everything, all external expectations, all pride, all fear of embarrassment or failure, these things just fall away in the face of death.  Leaving only what is important.  Remembering that you are going to die is the best way I know to avoid the trap of thinking you have something to lose."

Death is a frightening reality we don't like to acknowledge.  Most of us don't think about death and if we do, we're scared that we haven't lived enough to have it end so soon.

  "Death is very likely the single best invention of life.  It's a life change agent.  It clears out the old to make way for the new."

Listening to this speech was a vision in itself.  It's not like I've never heard these words, nor said them to myself before.  But I have never seen them in action.  Hearing Mr. Jobs talk about his life and how he has risen from the bottom of death, whether it be being fired or a life threatening illness, and how he has used it to rise up again.

But at the end of the day "Death is the destination we all share."

"No one wants to die.  Even people who want to go to heaven don't want to die to get there."

Everything is real and can be applied to our own lives.  

This is life.  We fall down to get back up again.  We break to mend.  We fall behind to learn.

"You're time is limited, so don't waste it living someone else's life."

I am pretty sure all of us have lived the life of someone else at least once somewhere along the way.  Some of us learn early on and move on to our own path, others take years, and others never learn.

We have the words wisdom from this great man out our finger tips.  We should listen and use it.

We all have our own paths, some link together, some cross, some run parallel and others are off in the distance doing something completely different.  But the one thing that we should remember and acknowledge, is that our life is own individual path.  We can accept advice from others but we can never make their path our own.  

Our path to our destination is completely different to the person next to us.

"Don't let the noise of other's opinions drown out your own inner voice."

One day, we will be able to look back and connect the dots of all the mishaps, fumbles and falls that brought us to where we are at that point in time.  The difference is whether we'll be happy with that destination.

"And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and your intuition.  They somehow already know what you truly want to become.  Everything else is secondary."

Mr. Jobs lived his life listening to the person that he was.  He made a success of it.  He may have passed away at such a young age, but he lived a life that some of us will never achieve.

Let's not make those mistakes.  Let's use his wisdom to create a life, whether it is great or small, but a life that we will look back on and love the journey that we made to get to the destination that we always wanted in the end.

A great man passed away, but a legend was born.  His gift for success in life has been unleashed for us to use and nourish our future lives with.  The choice is now with us. 

As to what we will do with it, well that decision is your own.

"Stay Hungry, Stay Foolish.  I've always wished that for myself."

To watch this amazing speech, please click on the following link.  I hope you enjoy it as much as I did.
Steve Jobs' 2005 Stanford Commencement Address

Blog Virgin

As this is my first time, please be gentle on me.  I know that with time I will find a place in your hearts and rock your little worlds every so often.

There's no real purpose to my blog.  It's just a space that I want to share the random thoughts and images that pass through my life.  Also, I'd like to share my wealth (or lack of) knowledge and experiences, whether they are simple or complex.  We are here to learn. 

A very wise man said, that we were created by the universe to help the universe understand itself.  

If we never learned about how us and the universe works, we wouldn't exist at all.

One must acknowledge one's existence to exist.

I love the human mind (it is also the one thing that I completely don't understand) and the most basic functions of the human brain, our sensory system.  This is where I come in, as photographer, I have learned some very important facts about color (or lack of).  We are visual creatures, we understand our world more when we can see it. 

Of the coming days and months, possibly even years, I hope to share with you what I feel will be some beautiful images and random yet surpising educational thoughts (from time to time).  Some will be fun, sad, colorful, and eh.

Until we meet again... I leave you with a blurry image that I seem to love more than others, but that's how life is... If we were all the same, the universe wouldn't be as beautiful as it is.