To The Beautiful You

Living in this self aware modern age for an introvert is quite difficult. 

Today's norm is to talk about how wonderful, awesome and incredible you are. 

But if you are an introvert this sort of self proclamation is nerve wracking and stomach twisting. 

Once upon a time modesty was a very beautiful attribute to have.  Even in the workplace. And because of modesty a person's work & attributes would speak for themselves. 

But now it's about who can sell themselves the best and loudest. 

Sure, if a person is all talk and no show, it's very evident in the poor quality of their work. But unfortunately they're the ones getting the jobs over the quiet introverts who are more than likely much more qualified for the job. Which is a real shame. 

We now live in a highly saturated society full of selfies and over confident mediocre nothingness. And we all know that basic is tragic. Unfortunately those who call others basic are in fact quite basic themselves. No one actually cares how cool you are. Like, no one!

So, looking forward, choose to be quiet and let the words you don't need to speak, speak for you. Your attitude, kindness and most of all, the work you produce will speak highly & loudly for you. 

You don't need to self advertise. Let modesty be the norm again.

Credit: Illustration by Jessica (me!), quote by anonymous 

Hello Hello

Hello peeps!!! I've been MIA (missing in action not the gorgeous super baben rapper) for a month or so. My apologies.

However, I do have quite a few images and GIFs and arty creations to share with you all! 

And even some interesting, possibly intriguing & thoughtful, words to go with said images & arty creations. *\(^O^)/* 

I am going to try to be more prompt and regular from now on. At the moment I will share once a week on a Wednesday - hump day! 

Happy blogging! See you all soon! 

Lessons With Papi - Intergalatic Planetary

I'm completely fascinated with our universe. It's incredibly complex and mysterious. And every so often it gives us a little view into its complexities and history (as it takes many millions of Earth years for us to receive the light) into the slow death of our universe.

"Life just like the stars & planets & galaxies is just a temporary structure on the long road from order to disorder." - Brian Cox 'Wonders of the Universe'

This to me, this is so comforting. Religion never eased my sense of placement or purpose, but astronomy, cosmology, particle physics, quantum physics and all the other many sciences that go into discovering and ultimately understanding our existence, comforts me. 

"Our true significance lies in our ability & our desire to understand & explore this beautiful universe." - Brian Cox 'Wonders of the Universe'

I now no longer need a purpose or place on this earth. Sheer existence is enlightening/fulfilling enough for me. As long as the human race continues to learn to understand our universe, the less lonely I feel. 

"We are what the cosmos made conscious. Life is the means by which the universe understands itself." - Brian Cox 'Wonders of the Universe'

Vocab: 

행성 (haengseong) - Planet

달 (dal) - Moon

별 (byeol) - Star

Happy V-Day

Happy Valentine's Day to all you lovers and lucky singles! And!!!! Happy first Fan Art Day to me! Wheee. I've always wanted to do fan art. And what better way to show my love and support than with an inappropriate Valentines Card.  Yes, I went there and it's GLORIOUS! 

Being a Fan-girl is nothing new to me. I've always been in love with celebs and slightly obsessed (not weirdly though) over them and imagined marrying them (I'm looking at you Leonardo Dicaprio, Taylor Hanson, Jonathon Taylor Thomas, JC Chasez, Joel Madden, Gerard Way, Kelly Slater, Gwen Stefani, Zooey Deschanel, Dick Van Dyke, Noel Fielding, Tuxedo Mask)  but it never caught me hooked line and sinker. It never changed my life like Kpop has. And now I'm back again in the world of popular culture.

I might as well be fresh meat in this pop fandom as it's been many years since I followed pop culture. I'm quite clueless about the new faces of pop stardom. I'm still quite oblivious to Kpop stars as well. I just listen to the music and dance, attempt to sing and what nots. 

Anyways, I have a little story on how I became [slightly] obsessed with Kpop.  

I had been introduced to Kpop for many years but it never really perpetuated into anything. I enjoyed it a lot, but you know. Eh.  It wasn't indie enough for me.  But then one fateful day (don't remember when but late 2013) my friend sent me a link to a music vid that would change my life forever. I would discover a whole new world, shining shimmering splendid (my words I swear... Ok I lie but Aladdin is the best, had a crush on him too). This one vivid moment etched into my memory forever. This moment where a man rapped his way into my heart and took my breath away. 

What music vid, you ask? The one and only Fantastic Baby by Big Bang.

At first, I was confused by all the dramatic sets and costume design. Sure the guys were hot but I didn't get it. All the pizazz! All that make up! I just didn't get it. Sure it was fun, but eh. 

But then at around 1.10 mins my world and my perception of men would change forever.

I still to do this day have no idea how TOP was able to take my breath away that made me do my little nervous laugh (I have a nervous laugh, it's awkward) and had to put the phone down for a few moments. But he did. 

Now for those who don't know this video he has bright icy blue hair and more eyeliner/eyeshadow I have ever seen on a man. And it was incredible!!! 

A guy at work has said to me for years that I was asian on the inside and would always say I'd marry an asian man. I scoffed at him. Not that I didn't find asian men attractive, I just noticed they liked certain kinds of girls and I wasn't that interested in the culture (yes, I'm aware there are many many many different asian cultures). 

But TOP changed that perception and I found a culture that I adore. 

There are far too many beautiful and quirky and slightly odd things about Korea that I would love to mention in this post. But this post would go on and on and on. 

The main thing is that finding TOP, Kpop, Korea has really brought out my true self. I never fit in much. And I probably don't fit in Korea either. But I feel I have more similarities there than here. Things western people find odd, I get. It's weird, but I really am similar.

So my Fan-girl-dom isn't of a 'traditional' sense where I obsess and cry and wail and scream and laugh and fall madly in love with an idol (*coughs* I'm telling the truth *coughs*) but it's rather one that opened my eyes to a beautiful and incredible culture that I had previously not known about.

So, thank you TOP for taking my heart and placing it in South Korea. One day, I'll go there and pick it up.

Happy Valentine's Day! *\(^O^)/* 

You can watch the vid here. It's incredible!!! 

Credit: Fan Art by Jessica (me!)

Lessons With Papi - I Pear You

Learning a new language is hard, daunting, and confusing.  As an adult learner, I've had 30 odd years to perfect my first language and even though I've had 30 years of learning and speaking, it's still incredibly difficult to speak my first language. ^.^

I enjoy learning Korean for many reasons.  It's new, the dialect is fairly straight forward (with a few exceptions to the rule) and I find it to sound beautiful. 

If you're wondering how I chose the words for Lessons With Papi- it's far more simple than you think.  I chose words that I can draw. Drawing doesn't come easily to me.  So I have to keep everything fairly simple. 

Vocab:

사과 (sagwa) - Apple

복숭아 (bogsung-a) - Peach 

배 (bae) - Pear 

Happy Lunar New Year

Hello my internet friends!!  Welcome to 2016.  Yes, we are well into 2016 and I made this illustration for 2015 New Years Eve.  But for the logical people the Lunar New Year has just happened, so HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!

Every year as this time of year rolls around we want to change what we felt was wrong or what we could do better.  We make a resolution and try to stick to it for at least a month. 

As for me, I didn't make any this year.  I'm holding on to hope that this year will be the year my luck comes back to me and I can move forward. These past 6 years have been hard to deal with and for some reason this relentless negative life just won't let go. 

But here I am posting a blog post hoping that maybe one day someone will read it and like it and want to follow it. This is my hope. 

A hope that one thing will lead to another and then to another and then to the road I'm meant to be taking. 

Here's to 2016 being the year that leads to me to my better future.  One filled with real joy. 

Note:  Image was illustrated by myself. Esther Loves You stickers (cute bunnies and whatnots) were added through Aillis app (so amazing!  Get on it!)

Gurrrl

When I was 18, I assumed that I had my whole life ahead of me. That the dreams and hopes and aspirations and success would come to me in time. But more so, that I would know what it is that I'm good at - even mediocre at.

Something that would pave my life on the right direction towards those dreams/hopes/aspirations/success. 

Little did I realise - actually lets face it, I never acknowledged hat I had been told a billion times by my elders. That life was gonna kick me hard and all those dreams/hopes/aspirations would just stay that way, a figment of my imagination. 

I wanted to prove them wrong. What did they know! I was in a different generation. The world had changed. It's not the same and goals can be achieved. 

Oh dear! How I was so wrong. And now I'm that elder I've taken on that duty of crushing the leaders of tomorrow's dreams. 

Reality is brutal. An absolutely unforgiving bitch that will slap for years on end. Ans without fail, you'll wake up everyday to a big old bitch slap. 

I used to watch my elders turn 30 and notice the look of despair in their eyes as they exclaimed '30s are the new 20s'.  They knew it was bullshit as much as I did. 

There's a certain kind of sadness that comes with that milestone. It's hard to describe but it's like glimpse into your death. 

The body changes, you notice puffy eyes, lines and rolls, and fat and jiggles you'd never felt or seen before. You notice that running up a flight of stairs can really feel like your death is right there in front of you. 

Recently, a friend and I discussed what we would tell our 18 year old selves. Our answers were simple, no fluff no bullshit. For him, sit up straight. For me, stretch every day. 

How is that the most important advice to give to the youth of today. Well, when your back seizes from getting out of the car or bending slightly to pick something up and you're hoveling around the house like a 90 year old, you realise your body is the most important possession you'll ever own. 

But then again, what would old people know! 

At the ripe old age of 30 and 4 months, I feel that life did slap me- and hard too. For a very long time. And I guess with my imminent death - in 40-50 years time - looming in the foreground I feel like I need to make those years count more so than these last 30 years. 

What does my future hold for me? Back to university? New job? A house? 

I've always said this and I always will, I don't care where I am or who I am or what I did, as long as I'm happy. I want that peace. Unfortunately to get that peace, I have to find a job that doesn't make me want to blow my brains out every day. When I find that job... I'm on the road to a long and successful golden years. 

In the meantime, this is dedicated to all my friends out there who are in their 30s (or fast approaching) who still and probably will never know what they want to be when they grow up. There is a little bit hope though, you see, we are not just our careers or marital status, but we are so much more.  And there is one tiny little thing out there that will make life so sweet for you. You know what it is.  It follows us everywhere, every day, and will never leave.

For me, it's to be able to have a simple life. Potter in my garden, fall asleep in the sun, read a book, snuggle with Papi. I don't need a fancy life. Just a simple one. I loathe people who complicate my life so that those little things pass me by.

Hold onto those little things. They are what makes life ever so sweet.




Illustration by Jessica (me) - copyright

Lessons With Papi - Fruits of Papi

First Papi comic for the year.  I was hoping to start my Korean studies again this year in Feb, but my finances have no room to allow it- naturally this makes me incredibly sad. T.T

But I'm definitely going to have to get better at my self study. 

I enjoy making Lessons with Papi and hopefully I can still find the motivation to continue posting them.  The aim is for once a week (day to still be determined).  

I hope all you internet peeps enjoy them as much as I do ^.^

Vocab:

딸기 (ttalgi) - Strawberry

수박  (subak) - Watermelon

버찌 (beojji) - Cherry

Perfection

I have this terrible thought stuck on loop in my brain... It just sits there repeating and repeating and repeating... The negativity consumes my every thought..

If for one second I think I can do anything... This thought comes in and kills everything positive. Because if you're not perfect at something therefore you can't do. Terrible thought, I know! 

My whole life, I've let this thought consume me. And even as I write this I had so many doubts about this blog, my life, my job, my lack of relationships... Everything is a big old negative!

I've never put myself out there. I've never been "good enough". And for the most part, is very true. But it shouldn't matter if I'm "good enough" or not. Sometimes it's the fact you're trying. 

I'm going to continue trying and probably never get anywhere like I always do (see!!! Negative thoughts!!)  but at least I'm trying. And that's the most I can do. 

For The Fear

Fear is something we all have and a lot of us don't want to admit having.   But we all have it.  And for some it's rather controlling.  Like myself. 

For a good portion of my life, I've been scared.  I was never that confident person that I appeared to be (perception is bullshit).  I much preferred the dark corner of the room at that really cool party (I was invited to parties for a short period of time because I had a cool accent... true story). 

For 10 years I've been living in fear.  I'm scared what my body is doing and thinking so I just continue on doing what I've always done.  Watched from afar waiting for something exciting to happen. 

Well, guess what!  It's not happening.  For years, I've been poking around in the dark looking for something.  Anything!  And I suppose I still am.  Hopefully these illustrations, comics, and blog posts lead me to a new and fun adventure. 

|| Creative Dreams ||

I've been struggling a lot lately with my own creative identity. The current job role I have doesn't feed my creativity, which also makes me think if I'm forcing this creativity onto myself. Do I have this talent or not? Or am I destined for the grey suited world forever until the day I die? 

It's a hard thing to keep yourself motivated with creativity. I've had a weird career in that I've never finished anything. I'm literally not qualified for anything even though I've been working the same job for 10 years. 

I'm at a crossroads... Do I continue to put a roof over my head & food in my belly or pursue a dream of creativity (which might not be tangible) & have no money, possibly starve to death in the rain. OR! be incredibly successful (which is a massive gamble since creativity relies solely on the popularity with others to be successful)??? 

I'm scared of both roads. The idea of being stagnant and under appreciated (pretty much worthless) but with a VERY good income is depressing (not the money part).

But being creative (possible still under appreciated) with no idea if there will be a steady (will pay my bills) income also depresses me. But which will stress/depress me less? 

Growing up I never knew what I wanted to do. NEVER. I went from one thing to the next hoping I'd be good at something. I was literally average at everything. 

So I took a year off (gap year) before going to Uni. Hoping life would slap me in the face. I started two Diplomas and finished zero. 

I'm now 30 years old and life still hasn't slapped me in the face (well not in that wonderful and gloriously delightful way... It's kicked me to the ground and continued to kick).

Yet I still hold onto a little bit of hope that life, the universe, and everything will give me my answer (42!) and guide me in the right direction. 

BUT! Am I holding on to a lifeless dream that I won't work in a corporate office with corporate psychopaths (It's not passion when a person has to belittle, berate and stab another person in the back for a shitty admin job... It's amazing how that type of evil is confused with passion) ??? 

Or should I start sucking it up and just play this bullshit corporate game to hold onto something that pays bills yet sucks the life out of me. 

What is more important? Survival or happiness?

I thought I had the answer to it. But I'm starting to think my survival is pointless if I'm not living. But then, what's the point in living if you're not surviving???

Lessons With Papi - Transportation

Lately I've been trying to challenge my own drawing style with the Papi comics. I should probably mention that drawing doesn't come easily to me. 

I literally can't get the thought to paper. 

I'm often having to look up how to draw something. (*cough cough* the subway took me forever. I literally have no perspective). Thank goodness we live in a digital age where I can draw on a screen and undo as I make mistakes. (WOW!)

I downloaded the webtoon app to help inspire, amuse and entertain myself. 

So I have been trying to find ideas and embrace that everyone has a different drawing style. Which is wonderful to watch and learn every week with the updates.

I don't know if I will continue to draw in this style. It's definitely the most fun thing I have drawn so far. 

Vocab:

배 (bae) - Ship

지하철 (ji-ha-cheol) - Subway 

비행기 (bi-hang-gi) - Aeroplane

If I Fits, I Sits

I haven't done a Papi comic in awhile... For many reasons. Firstly, I was away on a small trip to Sydney (to see family but mainly to see BIGBANG - Yays *\(^o^)/*) but I had terrible motion sickness the whole time which left me dizzy, nauseous and confused for most of the trip.  (BIGBANG were awesome - will post about it later) 

The second excuse is that I have an inner ear infection that I can't shake which explains why my Sydney trip was kinda ruined. Probably had it then as well. 

So I just did this quick comic to help myself with my terrible memory for vocab. (Yay for learning Korean!)

The two things I love more than anything is sitting and sleeping... So a bed and a chair fits me well today. 

Vocab: 

침대 (chim-dae) - Bed

부기맨 (boo-gi-man) - Boogey Man

의자 (ui-ja) - Chair 

|| So Fab ||

There's just those definitive moments in life that you realize you watch WAY too much TV. 

Last weekend I utilized my Netflix for the greater good... Binged watched Ab Fab. 

I wanted to tweet my incredibly awesome weekend and went looking for a pic to go with it... 

This is what I found... 

Our pic was taken in 2011... It was a housewarming party.  We were having a grand old time.  And Ab Fab was my TV show of choice. 

If only we had the money to go with our fabulousness! 

Pats & Eds Forevs! 

|| Living The Dream ||

For a week I was able to feel like I was apart of an elite special persons club. Those lucky few who actually can afford nice things. 

Unfortunately that week disappeared quickly and I was thrown back into reality of being incredibly average.

My mom went to Sydney for a week and left her car with me (I live close to the airport). Naturally I drove it so it wouldn't rust up and die before she got back.  I was being incredibly considerate. 

In that quick as lightening flash, I realized that I really do like nice things. I'm a nice things person.  I'm not as average as I think I am.  Well, I don't think I should be average, that is. 

Anyways, it took my momma 50 years to get a brand new car... So let's hope in 20 years, I'll get my brand new European car too! Whoop! *broom broom*

Filthy... So Dirty

It's that time of year where the sun shines, the flowers bloom and the birds sing. It's spring time again! Yays!  It's my favorite time of the year because I see my plants starting to grow and bloom and I can sit in the sun.  I love sitting in the sun. And the special bonus is hanging out with Papi outside. We go for walks.  It's nice ^.^

During winter I kept Sir Papi-pants indoors to help minimize his asthma attacks (yes cats get asthma... Crazy! I know) 

Now that the weather is warmer I've been letting him outside occasionally.  He loves being outside.  And the first thing he does is run to the dirt lane way and roll around smooshing glorious dirt into his fur.  He literally changes color from all the dirt he's smooshed in. 

Most of his Instagram pics are of him rolling/sitting/lying in dirt.  He loves it that much.

I don't like it so much.  It dries my hands out and I hate dry hands.  Plus all the dirt he drags into the house.  I don't like cleaning.  

But he's happy so I don't stop him, as you can see in my previous blog post.

|| Squish ||

There's no denying that I love my cat, Sir Papi-pants.  He's all kinds of delicious fluffiness.  I honestly just can't control how much I love him. 

I'm always nom nomming him.  Too delicious with his delicious little face and delicious existence! *salivating*

But there's more to him than he's obvious deliciousness.  *SO DELICIOUS!*

I have countless amounts of people perplexed how I could love a cat so much (society considers dogs as an elite species that is worthy of obsessive human love).  It's honestly a mind boggling thing for them to come to terms with. 

Shame for them really. 

The thing that makes Papi unique to me is that I adopted him as a young adult and he chose me.  I did not choose him. 

Therefore, he knew that special bond we were going to have long before I knew.

Another thing is that I have ME/CFS (Myalgic Encephalomyelitis/Chronic Fatigue Syndrome or possibly Fibromyalgia - these diseases are hard to diagnose) and I find life incredibly difficult.  And he doesn't need excessive amount of attention (even though he loves our walks and will try his very best to get me outside with him).

Also, I am single with no one to fall back on.  It's me, myself & Papi. 

Papi gives me a light at the end of my very bleak black tunnel.  And a love that I never thought I was worthy of due to my illness. 

He gets frustrated that I'm not well and that I spend most of my spare time in bed not spending all my time and energy taking him for walks and adventures, but he gets past it and curls up around my feet as I nap.

He deals with my panic attacks and then indulges me and my manic nom nom kisses as I reach for him for comfort. 

He puts up with my craziness and still loves me. 

And that's pretty much why I will always choose him above everything else! 

There are thousands of cats & dogs (chickens, bunnies, birds etc) that are in desperate need of a loving home.  Please adopt and don't shop.  Rescue an animal that may not see tomorrow.  It's the best decision I have ever made. 

Visit your local rescue centre or RSPCA to find your new best friend.

Space Kitty

Recently I've have been re watching Prof Brian Cox documentaries about our weird and wonderful and incredible universe. 

I'm the type of person to get carried away with the excitement one has to offer about their field. 

Thankfully astronomy is something I find incredible, then add a touch (A LOT) of physics and my brain shatters into a million tiny pieces and reflects like exploding stars. 

Prof Brian Cox has ignited that wee little dream I had as a 12 year old girl. A short lived dream, that is. 

At the ripe old age of 12 when life starts asking you the big questions, those really big questions, like, what do you want to be when you grow up? 

I had no idea! I wasn't really good at anything or passionate about anything.  Not much has really changed, but in one brief moment in time... I had a dream.

I couldn't believe my lucky stars that Houston had  NASA.  I loved Apollo 13.  Watched it all the time. 

But like most children I couldn't get past the incredible playground NASA had to offer.  It was out of control awesomeness. 

But I grew weary of it in time and found my stepdad who was in his little big brained nerdy element. 

He started explaining things to me and how incredible our universe is and how important space exploration is and what our solar system looks like and where we sit and how important we are... 

I was hooked! 

It was like a blurry wild dream. 

We took a little shuttle bus cart thing ride to the control room... 

It was empty and no one was talking to the astronauts.

I wanted to be there... I wanted to talk to astronauts! 

I wanted to be an astronaut! 

I wanted to be a rocket scientist! 

I wanted to be an astro physicist (not that I knew that word back then)

But that dream was short lived and shattered when I realized that I wasn't a child genius and my brain was far too small and slow for such an amazing field. 

I was lost. 

My dream was gone. 

And have now been searching for a dream that doesn't exist. 

As my dream belongs to the stars, the intelligence and high IQ I never had.

I shall now become one of those mothers that passes their expectations of their children fulfilling their dream.
Vote Papi for the first kitty on Mars!

|| Perpetual Youth ||

Some people never grow up.  Sometimes it's a maturity thing and quite painful when you have to deal with it.  But most of the time, it's just enjoying the fun little toys and Hello Kitty umbrellas that life has to offer.  An it's a known fact that it is impossible to grow out of Hello Kitty!  IMPOSSIBLE!

It was my birthday a few weeks ago.  I'm quite the bahumbug when it comes to celebrating my birthday that I often ruin the day for everyone around me.  One friend; however, was out of the country on that fateful day.

So when she got back she took me for coffee and bought me cake (or in this case Nanna's Slice)...

The café owners (Happymaree - Yarraville... go there it's awesome!) were adorable and wonderful in the way they ran around looking for a candle and then sung me happy birthday.  Super adorbs and even better that it wasn't actually my birthday.

So I've reached another milestone in my life (it's awful and I hate it) but I love that I will never ever grow up and will always love Hello Kitty and stationary!  Thank you world for these wonderful things.

|| Distracted Easily ||

I have an incredible talent of getting distracted easily.  I can be mid sentence and forget what I was talking about.

Generally, it doesn't affect my day to day life.  Well actually, it does take me awhile to get ready in the mornings cause I'm always stopping mid-way through something to start something else.  Getting dressed while brushing your teeth doesn't reallly work.

But there's a really big downside.  Like when I go out shopping for one thing, say... toilet paper and then come home with say... an Acapulco chair.  It's really bad then.

Every time I go to spend money, I always spend more than I intended cause I get distracted.

I can't be stopped!  It's a nightmare.  I don't even realise I've done it.  I'm just walking to that store that I need to buy that one thing that usually isn't very expensive and then "Oooooh!"  something pretty catches my eye.  ~DUN DUN!~ 

I'm every retailers dream. 

There was a joke in my family a few years ago when I stopped shopping so much (yes I have slowed down a lot in my old age) that the country's consumerism industry went down hill.  True story.

One day I will slow down even more and only buy what I need.  Until then I shall enjoy my comfy chair.  As will Papi.

Note:  Chair is an inside chair.  It's just that Sunday's weather was so delicious I wanted to sit outside in a comfy chair basking in the spring sunshine.  Or I was too lazy to take it inside from my car.  It's one of them.